A to Z Blogging Challenge

“Expectations—Revising Unrealistic Ones”

(Adapted from Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family, and Her Home. See sidebar for ordering information.)

(Be sure to check back tomorrow for "Freebie Friday"!) 

Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations. I knew I had them when my kids were young and I was at home with them all day…but I didn’t know I’d have them even now, when I’m…um…40-something…and one child is in college and one is about to graduate.

When my kids were toddlers I expected that I would be the type of mom to sew all of their clothes (my mom sewed all of the *matching* clothes my sisters and I wore), complete multiple craft projects (again, like my mom), cook three well-balanced and yummy-tasting meals every day (my mom was a super-mom!).

                                                                                                                           

For a very long time I tried to do all of the above…feeling that I was a failure for not being just like my mom. 

Unrealistic expectations can be demoralizing to any mom, and in your life as a “real life” mom you’ll probably have to change some of your expectations about every-day activities, hobbies, and projects.

Instead of looking at decreasing your unrealistic expectations of yourself as a failure, look at it as giving priority to what is most important—your kids and your husband, and your own sanity.

Detecting Unrealistic Expectations

Whether you’re a new mom or an almost-empty-nest mom, if an item shows up on your to-do list week after week—whether it’s a dreaded chore or something that “should” be fun—ask yourself if it’s really worth doing. Despite the expectations of your in-laws or friends, it’s not necessary to move all the furniture every time you vacuum (or every other time…or…more than once every six months)!

What about “fun” things you “should” enjoy doing, like planting flowers or doing craft projects with your kids? If you don’t enjoy doing them, find something else—something you do enjoy, to do! Just because someone else finds happiness in an activity does not mean you have to. Life is to short to guilt yourself into doing something you don’t enjoy.

Revising Unrealistic Expectations (and saving your sanity)

Remember the old cliché’ “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right?” My motto is, “Some things are worth doing 100%, but many things can be done 50% or less and still be acceptable.” Save your sanity—lower your standards! Look at the activities on which you spend a lot of time doing to your (maybe unrealistic) and figure out how you can lower those standards.

• Rather than sort old baby clothes by age, size, and season, sort them by boy clothes and girl clothes, or by size.
• Instead of pressuring yourself to cook 21 low-fat, low-calorie, nutritionally-balanced meals every week, go with cereal for breakfast and resolve in your own mind that it’s ok to eat a frozen meal or take-out pizza a few times a week.
• You do not have to wash your windows every spring (it’s been 7 springs since I’ve washed mine. We’ve lived in our home for 7 years.) It’s ok to just vacuum the “middle” of the floor and not move anything. It’s OK to dust around things.
• Instead of baking dozens of different varieties of cookies for school kids, neighbors, teachers, Sunday School teachers, and family members, bake a batch of cupcakes and take one to each of your favorite neighbors.
• Rather than having a huge garden and being frustrated at being unable to keep up with it, plant a few of your favorite veggies in easy-to-care for pots or other containers. I’ve satisfied my gardening “bug” by planting herbs in pots and growing them on our deck, where they’re easy to care for and use.
• If there’s something that truly has to be done, consider hiring someone else to do it. Sometimes the cost is well worth getting that thing off of your to-do list.

And don’t feel guilty about taking these measures; you and your family will benefit from the extra time you have to spend with them, and the better mood you’ll be in. And remember that “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.”( Ecclesiastes 3:1) Throughout you life your schedule and commitments will change, and with that what you are able to do, will also change.

It’s bittersweet to know that next fall will start empty-nest time for me. On the one hand, I’ll have a lot more time to work on the Nebraska Family Times and write. But of course it’s going to be a huge change to not have our kids at home! I am going to enjoy every moment of the time before they both leave for college…I can move all the furniture when I vacuum when they’ve both gone back to college.

I’m also taking part in the Blogging A to Z Challenge on my other blog, at Nebraska Family Times. Check there today for a devotion about “God’s Ear.” 

Blogging A to Z Challenge

“Distractions”

Yesterday I encouraged you to care for your spirit, and today I’m going to give some hints for dealing with the distractions that will try to keep you away from doing just that.

I remember one day a year or so ago when I was excited about reading the Bible, starting with Genesis. I was so eager to read the Creation story, take notes, journal, and really get “into” what I was reading.

My plan was to get a few things done around the house—start a load of laundry, put supper in the crockpot, and return an urgent e-mail—and then start.

I did those things and eagerly sat down to begin reading.

Within two minutes, the dog wanted to go outside. I let her out, then in, gave her a treat, and sat back down. The cat wanted out. I remembered something I’d forgotten in my e-mail, and sent another before I forgot—again!—what I’d forgotten the first time. The buzzer on the dryer went off and I got the clothes out before they wrinkled (I hate to iron).

I read a few more verses…and the cat wanted back in. The dog wanted out again. Supper in the crock pot needed to be stirred. The dog wanted to come in. The other cat wanted to go out.

Finally I decided to sit outside and read to get away from the distractions in the house. I got all settled with my Bible and journal…and realized I’d forgotten a pen. Got settled again…and the dog, lonely inside, wanted to come out and sit by me. Read a few verses and realized the sun was a little hot and I needed something to drink.

And so it went. Distractions prevented me from reading more than a few verses of Genesis on that day. I am convinced that the devil uses distractions to keep us from nurturing our spiritual life. And he is sneaky about it! After all, all of my “distractions” were things I “had” to do, and it was easy to convince myself that I “had” to take care of the distractions in the midst of—or before I began—my Bible study.

After a few days of Bible study times like this, I decided I had to be proactive in getting rid of or minimizing these distractions. If you get distracted during Bible study, try some of these tips:

• Time of Day: Through trial and error I found that early morning—before anyone is up (besides the dog and cats…more about them later)—is the best time for me to do Bible study. I pray every day for the desire to get up early—and I go to bed early as well. Find the time of day that is best for you!
•  Place: Designate a place for devotions; a desk or comfy chair in the corner of your bedroom. I use an old computer desk that didn’t fit in my husband’s office, and a low coffee table acts as a bookshelf.
• Supplies: Gather everything you’ll need; Bible, Bible study books, journal, pens and/or pencils, etc., and arrange them on your Bible study desk or on a coffee table or in a basket where you’ll be doing your study.
• I have sticky notes on my desk (or in my basket) so when I remember a task or “to-do” I can jot it down right then and there and get my mind back on the Bible. I also have notecards on which to write verses that touch my heart, Kleenexes, and a bottle of Tums for those days my acid reflux acts up. I leave a fuzzy robe or blanket in my office for chilly winter mornings. Anticipate things that will make your time special; I often mix up hot chocolate or chai for a treat during that time.
• Prepare: I’ve realized that our dog inevitably hears me and gets up when I do, no matter how early it is! Before I sit down to do Bible study I let her out, let her in, and give her her breakfast. If you do your study during the day, consider turning the phone off (or bringing it with you so you don’t have to run for it; use caller ID to see if you truly need to answer).  Check supper, put another load of laundry in—and if you forget to do these things before you start, don’t interrupt your study, jot the task on a sticky note and do it later.
• Priority: Make Bible study a priority. If you choose to do your study when your kids are napping, after your husband goes to work, or before bed, DO your study right after the kids go to bed (trying to start supper first guarantees a “no nap” day), immediately after your husband leaves (no “quick” phone call first) or right when you crawl into bed (before you turn the TV on.) I don’t turn my computer on until after I’ve done my study; if I do, I’m sure to be distracted by e-mails I “have” to return right away. Determine to not let anything that is not of critical importance (a crying baby or the smell of smoke) interrupt your time.

• Pray for God to help you keep your mind focused, and guard you from distractions. Here are several verses that I use:
• “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and My Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14
• “Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of Your law.” Psalm 119:18
• “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

 These are suggestions, not rules! Depending on the age of your children, out of home commitments, and your own personal schedule, you might have to modify these suggestions. Remember that it’s ok to change your schedule according to events in your home or the rhythm of your life; for example, I can’t sit outside to do Bible study during the Nebraska winter! When I’m convinced spring is here to stay, I’ll gather my tools in a basket again so I can easily take them outside.

What are your tips for dealing with distractions during Bible study time? 

Share them in the comments.

 (I’m also doing the A to Z Challenge at my other blog at the Nebraska Family Times , where I’m blogging about “Spiritual Discernment” today.) 

Blogging A to Z -- Caring for Your Spirit

By Shelly Burke

(Adapted from the book Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family, and Her Home.)

The spiritual aspect of your life is the base upon which you build your beliefs and values. You can draw strength and guidance from your Christian beliefs in all aspects of your life, from the mundane details of daily life to the life-changing events.

The Bible offers guidance, answers, and encouragement (go to http://nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com/2012/04/to-z-challenge-day-2-letter-b.html for suggestions about reading your Bible). God is a source of comfort, an anchor in times of trouble, and the One to whom you can turn any time, any where, and in any and every situation. Faith can bring comfort when nothing else, and no one else, can.

In Hebrews 13:5 God reassures you; “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Never. No matter what. No exceptions. He will be there.

Make God Part of Every Day

Caring for your spirit is much more than just attending church and saying prayers at meals and bedtime. It’s vital to work to develop a personal relationship with God. The prophet Isaiah promises that, “The Lord will keep in perfect peace all those…whose thoughts turn often to the Lord.” (Isaiah 26:3)

Here are some hints for integrating your faith into every part of your daily life:

• Use everyday tasks as a time for prayer. As you fold clothes, pray for the person whose clothes you’re folding. As you cook, pray for those in need. As you clean, pray for those who perform services for your family; teachers, pastors, priests, doctors and nurses. When you’re driving, pray for your friends.
• Write favorite Bible verses on notecards and post them where you’ll see them throughout the day; your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, dashboard of your car, the bulletin board in your office.
• Keep a book of short devotions in the car, and read one when you have “waiting” time. My favorites are Beautiful Feet, Treasured, and A Chocolate Life, all by my favorite author Deb Burma. You can order these purse-sized and very budget-friendly books at www.cph.org.
• Read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds to the date. For example, today is April 3, so read Proverbs 3.
•  Listen to Christian music while you’re working around your house or in your car.
• Start a Joy Journal. List 5 things every day that you are thankful for, from the little things (a short line at the grocery store) to the large, like your family. The Bible tells us we should be “always giving thanks…for everything.” (Ephesians 5:20) Keeping a Joy Journal will draw your attention to the many, many blessings God gives you every day. Research has found that an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better sleep, a decrease in anxiety, and higher satisfaction with life in general.
• Pray that God will increase your faith and create in you the desire to know more about Him.

 Your spiritual life should permeate all aspects of your life; nurture your relationship with the Lord and it will pay off beyond your wildest dreams!

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I’m also doing the “Blogging A to Z Challenge” at www.nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com. Today’s devotion is titled “Communicating with God.” Check it out! 

Blogging From A to Z, Day Two, The Letter "B"

Getting Through a Bad Day

By Shelly Burke

Sometimes you get out of bed just knowing it will be a bad day. Other days start off just fine and then get bad after a phone call, spill, or something in the mail (or not in the mail!). PMS or not feeling well, although no guarantee of a bad day, can certainly make a day bad, as can a fight with your husband or kids.

Sometimes there seems to be no reason for a bad day besides a generic “funk” feeling. As David lamented, “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:5)

Take these steps to help you get through the bad day.

1. First of all, do something from your to-do list. Pick something that easy to complete so you feel you’ve accomplished something; fold a load of towels or clear out the dishwasher. Cross it off and then give yourself a break and forget your to-do list for the rest of the day!
2. Have you been spending time with God on a regular basis? If not, resolve to do so, even if you just read a few Bible verses. Read a Psalm (or Philippians 1, or Romans 8:18-39). Search for verses that will encourage you, write them on notecards and put the notecards where you’ll see them every day. Know that God loves you no matter your mood!
3. Now do something nice for YOU! Call a friend you haven’t talked to for awhile. Start that new novel you’ve been too busy for. Spend time on a craft you’ve wanted to try. While your kids are napping, curl up under a blanket and take a nap—or cuddle with them while they sleep. Eat a big bowl of popcorn (with extra butter!) or some more chocolate. Listen to music and sing along!
4. Don’t cook—order take-out, ask your husband to bring something home, get something out of the freezer, or have a simple breakfast for supper. 
5. Above all, give yourself a break. As a mom you have many roles and are responsible for a countless number of details that keep your household running. Everyone has “off” days; no one can operate at 100% (or even 90%) all of the time. It’s OK to have a bad day!
6. If you have a lot of bad days, try to figure out why. Do you need take a little more time for yourself every day, to prevent some bad days? Time with God will almost always improve your mood, as will regular exercise and eating healthily (for the most part anyway—treats are necessary too!). Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect?

Before you go to sleep, pray for a better tomorrow. And when you wake up, make your first thought, “This is the day that the Lord has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Psalm 118:24.

Do you know someone who is having a bad day? Please consider forwarding  this article to them!

(this excerpt is adapted  from Shelly’s book Home is Where the Mom Is; a Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family, and Her Home. To order, see the sidebar.)

Shelly is also blogging every day at www.nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com. Read today’s entry, “The Bible Tells Me So,” at that link. 

Blogging from A to Z April Challenge

When I saw this challenge (http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/) I immediately knew I wanted to join!

I will be blogging every day – except Sunday (with the exception of today, since it’s April 1^st) – throughout April. I will be posting on both of my blogs—Nebraska Family Times – www.nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com and Home is Where the Mom Is – www.achristianmomsguide.blogspot.com.

Each day’s theme will correspond to the letter of that day; today, April 1^st, the letter is “A” and the theme is “About the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.”

Tomorrow is “B” and the theme on the Nebraska Family Times blog will be “The Bible—My Favorite  Book.” The theme on the Home is Where the Mom Is blog will be “Bad Days—Surviving Them”.

Other days will feature devotions I’ve written, devotions by other authors, excerpts from my book Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family, and Her Home, links to my favorite websites and blogs, and more! Be sure to check in on “Freebie Fridays” where your comments might get you—you guessed it!—a freebie!

“Like” the Nebraska Family Times and Home is Where the Mom Is Facebook pages, or sign up to “follow” each blog and you’ll receive notification when the blog entries are posted!

Part 2 of the “A” theme: “A few of my favorite blogs—check them out!”

• “Fragrant Offerings” by Deb Burma at www.debburma.blogspot.com (my FAVORITE Christian author and speaker—and I get to sit by her in church and Bible class too!)
• Proverbs 31 www.proverbs31.org (many Christian writers and books)
• “The Happiness Project” www.happiness-project.com (I loved the book too!)
• “168 Hours; You have more Time than You Think” (a great book as well!)     http://lauravanderkam.com/
• http://www.nebfc.org --the Nebraska Family Council—keep up-to-date on issues important to Nebraska Families, including legislation to watch

See you tomorrow! 

Is My Teen's Behavior Normal?

By Mark Gregston

It’s normal for teenagers to fail to do their chores without ten reminders, to put off their homework, to be emotional, to lose important things, to like music that is too loud, and to sometimes counter or question authority.  That’s all pretty typical, though it can be aggravating to parents. To compare, let’s look at what’s abnormal . . . sudden profound changes in personality, angry outbursts of profanity, extreme disrespect for people and things, addictions, sudden failing grades, not sleeping or sleeping too much, extreme weight loss, eating disorders, self-harm, running away, or self-imposed isolation.

Do you see the difference?  Normal stuff has to do with being distracted, ditsy, trying to fit in, or flapping their wings of independence. It passes in time, as the teen matures. Abnormal behavior and true rebellion is represented by a growing darkness, hatred and anger in their soul, which tends to only get worse over time.

A common cause for rebellion is when a teen is trying to exert their independence in a home where independence is not allowed. They feel boxed in, so they tend to explode. The best thing to do when you see rebellion in your teen is to first look at what may be impeding your relationship. Could it be that you are still treating them like a child, and need to give them a few more freedoms?  

Or, has something happened in your child’s life, even unbeknownst to you, that is affecting them? Kids forget stuff.  They get distracted.  And by definition, they are still a bit irresponsible. Yes, they need to obey the rules and remain inside the boundaries you have set, but I want to encourage you to put their behavior into the context of their lives and not label them as a rebel just because they are acting like a teenager. 

Parents need to recognize the difference between a distracted or foolish child and one who is making a bold “You can’t tell me what to do!” statement. Though both may seem rebellious, only the latter is trying to be.

Apply Boundaries and Consequences

There needs to be some “hurt” when kids cross the important lines. For instance, turn off their computer, unplug the TV, take away their car keys, ground them for a week. I sometimes say it this way, “You’re sixteen. I’d like to treat you that way, but if you insist on being treated like you’re twelve, I will! But you won’t like it because you’ll only have the privileges of a twelve year old.”  

 Don’t over-react or get upset. Anger just shifts the attention away from their behavior, causing them to reflect anger right back at you. Shaming them just makes them feel like there is no hope of ever pleasing you. Instead, demonstrate your love by keeping your cool and keeping to the plan for applying appropriate consequences. And never cave in or lessen the consequences.  That just backfires in the end, causing you to have to apply even more severe consequences later.

The important thing to do is to differentiate between normal and abnormal. If it’s normal stuff, strengthen your boundaries and apply consequences. If your teen’s behavior has become dark, secretive, explosive or otherwise abnormal, it’s time that you get them in to see a counselor.  Consequences may have no effect on such a teen.  

 Restore Your Teen

I’ve worked with thousands of teenagers who have fallen short in life. Most have broken just about every rule in the book. As a result, many of them think they have messed up so bad that no one—not even their parents or God—loves them any more. They’ve developed a “what’s the use of trying” attitude, which has gotten them into even more trouble. That thinking needs to be turned around before they will turn around.

Psalm 71:20 says, “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up.”  It’s crucial that we never make our kids think they are damaged goods or black sheep.  Rather we must love them unconditionally, even through the disappointments and struggles.  Think of it this way . . . instead of yelling at them for falling in a hole, it’s much more productive to lower a ladder, climb into the hole and show them the steps to get out.

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas.Visit http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org to read more articles by Mark. Reprinted by permission. 

Are you looking for a Valentine's Day gift for your daughter? "His Revolutionary Love" would make the perfect gift!

Are you looking for a Valentine's Day gift for your daughter? "His Revolutionary Love" would make the perfect gift! 

Book Review "His Revolutionary Love"

(This review appears in the February issue of the Nebraska Family Times. The mission of the Nebraska Family Times is to "inspire, encourage, and motivate you in your Christian walk." For more information about the Nebraska Family Times or to request a FREE sample issue go to www.nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com.)

His Revolutionary Love

By Lynn Cowell

Review by Shelly Burke, Editor

Like all of us, author Lynn Cowell experienced the ups and downs and anxieties of having crushes as a teen. However, during a nine-month Bible school training program she discovered the revolutionary love of Jesus. As she learned she realized that His love is the opposite of everything she had been pressured to believe about love.

His Revolutionary Love is written for teenagers who are facing pressures from friends, books, magazines, popular culture, and “what everyone else is doing” regarding relationships with boys.  

Cowell’s book is divided into three parts. Part 1, His Heart Toward Me,outlines how and what God is communicating to the reader. Part 2, His Path For Me, shows what our behavior should be to show our love to God. Part 3, His Hopes for Me, explains what we can do when we know about God’s revolutionary love.

The message throughout the book is that nothing—not boys, sex, drugs, sports, friends—can truly fill our hearts; only the revolutionary love of Jesus can. And Cowell reassures readers that Jesus loves us no matter what we are like inside and no matter what we have done. There are consequences for our actions, but God shows us His mercy when we ask for forgiveness. Cowell truly relates to teen emotions and “real life.”

Cowell is realistic in saying that some days we’ll feel closer to Jesus than other days, and that friends might not share in the readers’ passion for Him. She encourages readers to continue spending time with Him anyway.

Cowell recognizes the difficulty of remaining sexually pure and in no uncertain terms warns teens of the dangers of not doing so. She encourages readers to play out situations in their mind so they’ll be prepared to deal with those situations in “real life.”

His Revolutionary Love is a must-read for teenage girls; it will give them the confidence to make good decisions about setting boundaries and protecting themselves. Moms who read the book will find natural lead-ins to discussion with their daughters. (Hint to moms: download the FREE Leader’s Guide at www.lynncowell.com. Many of the suggestions and questions would be perfect for a one-to-one discussion with your daughter.)

Lynn Cowell is a youth worker and the mother of three teenagers. She is a member of the Proverbs 31 Ministries’ speaking team and works with teens one-on-one mentoring, leading small groups, and teaching at conferences. To read more go to www.lynncowell.com.  At the site you’ll also find a FREE Leadership Guide for those who feel moved to lead a group through the study of His Revolutionary Love.