A to Z Blogging..."G" is for...

...Guilt 
From "Lifehacks for Christian Moms"
By Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher of the "Nebraska Family Times" 

Mommy guilt. All the moms I know, including myself, have suffered from mommy guilt at one time or another (usually many times...sometimes many times daily). Moms have the ability to conjure up guilt about almost anything--what the kids ate today...and what they didn't eat. What they said, or what they didn't say, and how they said it...or didn't say it. If they hid in the bathroom (or closet) for just a few minutes of "alone time". The books the kids read...or the fact that they only read the cereal box. Did you save every single piece of artwork? 

Moms of older kids experience guilt too! Did we teach them enough...or did we expect too much? Was every birthday and holiday Pintrest-worthy?  Will not enrolling them in Advanced Haiku Writing or Baby Babbling classes hurt their chances of getting into college? Do all of the meals you cook contain at least one serving from each food group, no sugar, no processed foods, and at least one child's favorite food? 

The "experts" can be more "expert" at inducing more guilt, not relieving it OR even helping us be better moms. Our kids are supposed to "eat more vegetables" and "watch less TV" (I think the recommendations now are less than 8 seconds of TV a day). We're supposed to "plan stimulating activities" and "teach them to live in the real world...but not too quickly". Are you a "mean mom"? 

At the least, guilty feelings give us an uncomfortable twinge or the

nagging feeling that you "should" be doing more or something else. At their worst, feelings of guilt can cause undue anxiety and even the inability to make a decisions due to fear of making the wrong one. As these guilt-inducers build up you might feel as David did when he wrote, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear." (Psalm 38:4)

How can you deal with these usually unproductive feelings of guilt?

• First, determine whether you're feeling "good" guilt--the kind that is an appropriate action to something inappropriate you did--maybe blaming a child for something you later find he didn't do. "Good" guilt can motivate you to change your behavior for the better. For example, if you can't remember the last time your kids played outside (putting in a DVD is easier) or you can't remember the last time you actually sat down and talked to your teenager (it's easier not to deal with the moodiness and sullenness), or the last time you went to church was...well, you can't even remember (due to any number of excuses), the guilty feelings are a sign that something in your life should change.
• If you are feeling guilty for something you were in the wrong for, ask God for forgiveness and remember that when you are truly repentant, He always forgives, through His grace and the death of His Son. Ephesians 1:7 reassures us that "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our sins, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us." 
• Guilty feelings are not all bad--they are a reminder not to repeat the action. Acknowledge your guilt, rethink your priorities, and make goals and plans for changes. 
• Remember that some potentially guilt-producing feelings are beyond your control. You can't protect your child from every single owie or not-so-nice remark a classmate makes. Sometimes a family is broken by divorce due to another person's choices. Do the best you can to protect your child from injury, comfort him when his feelings are hurt, and deal with feelings about unavoidable events. 
• One thing I've realized as my kids got to be older teenagers and are now into their early 20's is that they are responsible for the choices them make, good and bad. I can offer advice and prayers, but they are going to make their own choices--and when they make the not-so-good decisions, it is not a reflection on me and not a reason to feel guilt. Of course I will continue to pray for them and offer advice (if it's an important issue, I gently offer advice even when I'm not asked--and then back off!), but I need not feel guilty for their decisions and choices.
• Ask yourself if your guilt is a result of unrealistic expectations.
  
  If you expect your house to be perfectly clean every day, or decide that every meal will be homemade, delicious and adhere to the recommended daily allowance of all vitamins and minerals, as well as appeal to all family members, you are probably expecting too much of yourself. Look at your life objectively and see if you are expecting too much of yourself. Pray for God to guide you and show you what you should be doing. 

What are your hints for dealing with guilt? 

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This post is an excerpt from the book 

“Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family and Her Home” by Shelly Burke. 

This post is part of “Lifehacks for Christian Moms”, 

available for download May 1^st.

I’m also blogging the A to Z Challenge at The Nebraska Family Times, with the theme, “Words Matter.” 

A to Z Blogging Challenge "D is for..."

...Decisions; Making Good Ones
From "Lifehacks for Christian Moms"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times

Moms face a multitude of decisions every day; some are minor (short sleeves or long sleeves?) and some are major (how should I teach my kids about sex?). There are many "experts", in the form of TV shows, friends, family, acquaintances, and sometimes strangers, specialists, books, magazines, radio talk shows...and there are as many opinions as there are experts on breast vs. bottle feeding, choosing a doctor, potty training, when to start school (private, parochial, public or homeschool?), whether or not kids need a cell phone (flip phone, regular or smart phone?) and when, how much TV is allowed, at what age dating is allowed, after-high-school plans (military, college or work?), and so on and so on and so on. With the multitude of advice, much of it based on distinctly non-Christian worldly values, it's no wonder it can be difficult to make decisions! 

Here are some steps that will help you in almost any decision you'll face. 

1. Gather information. You'll probably make your decisions based on several factors. Consider the Bible and your faith, your personal opinion and your spouse's, and what has worked for you in the past. Refer to one or two (preferably Christian) parenting books, talk with friends who share your values and pray about the situation. Don't forget to listen to your maternal instinct. After you've gathered the information you need, you can decide what's best for you and your family. Remember: very few decisions are absolutely right or wrong. 

2.  Carry out your decision. Once you and your spouse have made a decision, carry it out. Your kids not reverse a decision based on what your kids say, what your kids' friends say, what your kids' friends parents say, what your parents say, or what another "expert" says. 

probably won't like all of your decisions, but expect them to abide by those decisions. Stick to your decision unless you have a good reason to change it; do

3.  Re-evaluating your decision. If the new rule/routine isn't working after you've given it an honest effort, you decide it's the wrong decision for your family, or a respected expert expert recommends a different solution or way of dealing with a problem, you might consider changing your decision. 

A few more things to consider (or not consider): 

• What "everyone else" says. If anyone questions or criticizes your decision, simply say, "This is what works for our family," or "This is what we've decided to do" , or, "Everyone has their own solution, and we're confident about this one." Don't get caught up in a debate; you don't have to justify your decisions. 
• Have confidence in yourself. One of the most important things you can do for your kids is to have the confidence to assure their safety and teach them to be productive members of society, regardless of pressures from your kids, other kids, other kids' parents, or your fears that "the kids will be mad." 
• Practice enforcing your decisions when your kids are little. When they're young, you can back up your decisions with action, carrying a child away from a situation in which he's misbehaving, for example, or not driving them to a friend's house if you don't want your child to spend time in a dysfunctional environment. As they grow, your children will realize that you do mean what you say; while that is no guarantee that they'll always be happy with your decisions, they'll be more likely to respect what your decisions are. 

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This post is an excerpt from the book “Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family and Her Home” by Shelly Burke. 

This post is part of “Lifehacks for Christian Moms”, available for download May 1^st.

I’m also blogging the A to Z Challenge at 

Nebraska Family Times, with the theme, "Words Matter". 

A to Z Blogging Challenge "C is for..."

...Church...Taking Your Kids
By Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher Nebraska Family Times

Our primary job as parents is to help them to know God. Jesus clearly wants children to hear His word; in Matthew 19:14  He tells His disciples, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." His love for children is further evident when He says, "Truly I say unto you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven...whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."

One of the primary ways to introduce children to faith is by taking them to church. Make a commitment to take your children to church every week, beginning when they are babies. When they grow up seeing you make worship and going to church a priority, the routine and importance of regular worship will be ingrained in their lives. Taking kids to church is not easy; when they're young the struggle may be getting them to sit still and behave appropriately. As kids get older, church competes with other activities and sometimes a negative attitude towards attending church. 

Try these "real life" tips when you attend church with your children. 

When they are babies and toddlers: 

• come prepared with quiet toys and snacks, to be used when your child is no longer interested in sitting quietly. 
• fold their hands into yours and cue him to close his eyes during

  

  From Google Images

  prayer; when praying out loud do so so your child can hear your words.
• take your child out if he is crying or babbling loud enough to disturb others. When your child is old enough to understand "it's time to be quiet", attach a consequence to having to leave church because of misbehavior. (When my kids were little, we routinely drove through the Mc Donald's drive through for a happy meal after church. If we had to take them out during the service we drove BY McDonald's, very slowly so they could see what they were missing.)

As your kids get older: 

• Explain what is happening during the service. "Listen to the choir praising God." "Now the reader is reading from the Bible. What is he saying about God?" "Now the pastor is telling us how God wants us to live."
• Make "church rules" clear. These might include, "Only whisper during church." "Let mommy listen to the pastor while you read your book." "Stand when everyone else stands."
• Some parents sit in the back of the church where the noise of kids doesn't seem so disruptive; others find their kids pay attention better when they sit in the front, where the kids can see the activity of lighting candles, people talking and moving around and so on. 
• As children get older, expect them to need fewer distractions (like books, toys and snacks) and to pay attention and participate and follow along with Bible readings. 
• Talk about church during the week. Refer to the pastor's sermon, re-read the Bible readings, or play a CD of some of the songs that were sung. 

Tips for teens: 

• Unfortunately, school,  sports and other activities take place on Sundays in many towns, and staying up late the night before may lead to struggles in getting a child to church on Sunday morning. While every family has to make its own decisions regarding priorities, please remember that a relationship with God is the most important relation anyone will have. Many churches offer Saturday, Sunday or Monday evening services, which might fit better in a busy schedule. 
• My parents had a rule that no matter how late we were out the night before, we went to church the next morning. After prom one year I slept for about an hour between the post-prom breakfast and church. I was more than ready for a nap that afternoon...and the lesson my parents instilled about the importance of church has stayed with me even more than 30 years later. 
• While attending worship is a priority, kids should also be developing a day-to-day relationship with the Lord, spending time in devotions (preferably family devotions), prayer and Bible study every day. 

From Google Images

While taking kids to church will probably seem like more trouble that it's worth some weeks (or months!). Rest assured, even when you question what your kids get out of church (or even what YOU get out of church!) your actions are having an impact. 

What's your best hint for taking kids to church? 

Special message for those whose kids are grown: Make it a point to compliment parents who bring their kids to church. To these parents, every eye is on them and judging when their kids' actions are anything less than perfect. Reassure them that you're happy to see their kids in church and that they are making a difference. They will appreciate your words! 

Special message to those who are bothered by the noise and activity of kids in church: In most churches there is an area in which parents with young kids sit, and an area in which kids usually don't sit. Choose to sit where there aren't kids. Please refrain from making any critical comments to parents whose kids are active or even loud; these parents are doing one of their most important jobs in bringing their kids to church. If you are disturbed by noise or activity, talk with an elder or the pastor, not the parents. This is not meant to sound harsh, but it is very important. I know several parents who were very hurt by comments from others, about their kids. Remember what Jesus said: "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."
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This post is an excerpt from the book 

“Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom’s Guide to Caring for Herself, Her Family and Her Home” by Shelly Burke. 

This post is part of “Lifehacks for Christian Moms”, available for download May 1^st. 

----------------------------------------------------

I'm also blogging at Nebraska Family Times, 

where the theme is "Words Matter." Click to 

read more! 

Bad Company Ruins Good Morals

This article is the first in a series titled “Teach Your Children Well.” As parents, our job is to teach our children, and what better instruction book than the Bible? I’ve tried to teach our children from the Bible since they were little. They are 18 years old and 20 years old now; Cody will be a junior in college and Morgan a freshman. And I’m still teaching them from the Bible. I hope that you’ll get ideas for teaching your children of any age to follow God and do His will through the posts in this series.

Bad Company Ruins Good Morals

By Shelly Burke

“Do not be deceived; “bad company ruins good morals.”” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

(from Google Images)

My study Bible notes say that this quote was taken from a Greek comedy that the people of Corinth would be familiar with, so Paul used these words when he was talking to them.   In this case the “bad company” was the group of people who were teaching that Christ had not risen after His crucifixion. Hanging around these people was likely to ruin the “good morals” of those who did believe in the resurrection.

How can you teach your children about the influence of others?

When our kids are toddlers we have control over who they spend time with. When they enter school we have less influence as they’re out of our care for several hours of each day. As they get older and involved in more activities, there are more and more outside influences that can affect the way they act and think. As our daughter Morgan prepares to go to college—in another state!—I realize that my time as an influence in her every day life is almost over. I pray that Tim and I have taught her well!

When your kids are small, keep it simple. They’re not likely to pick up things that will be against your morals at a young age, but other families who don’t share your values might expose your kids to things that don’t fit in with your morals—R rated DVDs, swearing, and so on. Consider inviting kids from those families to your home, both to guard against bad influences and so that you can influence them in a positive way.

(from Google Images)

As kids get older, be cautious about not allowing them to spend time with certain kids, or criticizing those kids who don’t share your values and morals. Instead of forbidding contact (which is probably impossible if they attend the same school, church, or activities and your forbidding it may make your child want to spend more time with that child) point out behaviors that you see that don’t fit in with your morals. “Did you see those parents yelling and cussing at the ref at the t-ball game? That is not the way to handle the situation.”  or, “I know that Cynthia’s family watches TV shows that I don’t want you to watch. They show things that we don’t do and don’t approve of because they’re not what Jesus would want us to do.”

How can a group influence an individual?

 Start introducing the concept of how groups can affect a person’s actions—both in positive and negative ways. Even if your child wouldn’t normally steal, smoke, or take part in activities that you would frown upon, peer pressure and being in a group in which these activities are accepted and encouraged, can make them seem acceptable.

When your kids are in middle-school and high-school, talk about “real life” events in their own lives and the lives of their classmates and friends in relation to the company they keep and the morals that their actions demonstrate. Unfortunately, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk about the long-term negative effects of unintended pregnancy, drug use, cheating, lying, sneaking out, dropping out of school, and so on, as so many of these negative things are acceptable to so much of the world. Again point out how groups can affect an individual’s behaviors, both positive and negative.

Be sure to make these conversations—not lectures in which you’re the only one talking. Ask your child why he thinks “good” kids sometimes get involved with “bad” groups. Talk about how bad decisions can have very long-term affect on someone’s life.

Provide a way out

(from Google Images)

Talk with your child about how he or she can get out of a situation if necessary; my dad frequently reminded my sisters and I that we needed to have a plan before we got into a bad situation (of course it’s ideal to avoid situations like this, but a group can quickly and unexpectedly decide to do something; it’s best to make sure your child is prepared for this!).

Practice conversations in which you play someone pressuring your child to drink alcohol, cheat on a test, have sex, and so on. When your child has a ready response he is much less likely to get caught up in negative activities. Reassure your child that you will pick him up from any location, at any time, with just a phone call.  

Remember that at some point kids are responsible for their own decisions, and they’ll probably make some that you wouldn’t approve of, regardless of the example you’ve set and the teaching you’ve done. Even kids brought up in a Christian family make bad decisions. Never stop praying for your child to remember what he or she has been taught.

What are you going to do to prepare your child for “bad company”?

I’m also blogging at Nebraska Family Times.

Click to read about my time as the camp nurse at His Kids Camp last week. 

A to Z Blogging Challenge "Ordering Morgan's Graduation Cake"

 “Ordering Morgan's Graduation Cake”

(HyVee had a cupcake tower
on display. We ultimately
decided on traditional cakes
but treated ourselves to a
cupcake after ordering.
YUMMY!) 

Yesterday Morgan and I ordered her graduation cakes. It only took a few minutes to choose the flavors (one chocolate, one white), frosting (buttercream of course), and decorations (bright flowers). I walked out of the grocery store excited but a little sad. As I drove home (Morgan stayed in town with a friend) I began to think about Morgan’s growing up years and the future. Since I knew today’s letter for the A to Z Challenge is “O,” I thought about “O” words that apply to parenting.

• Only 25 days until graduation. WOW. And YIKES! 

• Obeying God’s command of baptism (Matthew 28:19-20) and instilling His Word into her as He commanded in Deuteronomy: “Fix these words upon mine in your hearts and minds…Teach them to your children…” (Deuteronomy 11:18-19) Now we pray that she will continue to seek Him and study His Word as she moves on to this next stage in her life. Are you following these commands as you raise your children? 

• Observing her growing up. What a blessing it’s been to have the joy of watching Morgan grow from a child into a young woman! Years ago at MOPS our MOPS mentor said, “The days with young children may seem long, but the years will seem short.” I have found that to be so very true! Especially since our kids became teenagers, the years have just flown by. Parents, treasure every moment with your kids! 

• Obedience. Children are commanded to “obey your parents.” (Deuteronomy 20:12) Unfortunately children don’t naturally obey; they have to be taught to do so. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary. There were times that Tim and I had to show both Cody and Morgan that they were expected to listen to and obey us, and that they would face consequences if they did not. Parents: YOU ARE IN CHARGE. It’s part of your job to raise your children to respect and obey authority; you are preparing them for “real life” (which can be very difficult if they don’t know how to respect others). 

• Obstacles. Morgan has struggled with obstacles—all kids do! She had an especially difficult time when she changed schools in 8^th grade. Thankfully, with much prayer and the help of caring people, she made it through that tough time and has loved school since the first hard weeks of that year. It is very hard to watch a child face obstacles, but learning to work through them is a necessary life skill. Don’t be afraid to let your child struggle, whether it’s with a zipper or homework or something bigger. Pray for knowledge as to when to intervene, with professional help if necessary. 

• Over and over…Tim and I have prayed for our children almost constantly since they were born…praying for their safety as they drives to and from school…as Morgan went through tough times at school…when they were sick…for Cody to make Godly decisions as he is at college and away from us…for Morgan to choose the college that will be right for her. When I am worried about either of them (or anyone else I love) I remember this command: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6 God hears our prayers! Consider keeping a prayer journal so you can see His answers to your prayers.   

• Over and over…listening to “Pomp and Circumstance” on YouTube….hoping to get most of my crying at the song done before graduation day (it worked when I did it before Cody graduated!).

 May God bless you as you raise your children! Remember to invite Him to be your partner in doing so.

I’m also blogging at Nebraska Family Times.

Today you’ll find my thoughts about a song that kept going

through my mind, “Open the eyes of my heart, Lord”